Monday, June 06, 2011

It's been HOW long?

Expectations are high as this three month hiatus (has it really been that long?) is the longest in the history of MelikaGirl. But I had my reasons: A) Referencing my last post, The Accident, I did not recover as smoothly from my head injury as I anticipated, and, B) Despite my convalescence, Karin and I have been busy with visitors (mom's mainly), trips and misadventures.

So, please take those high expectations and save them for some other auspicious event. I will only try to reflect as best I can on my last three months.

March was less like lions and lambs and a little more screaming banshees and whirling dervishes. I actually did have a nearly complete blog post composed for March (never posted since I was struck down by PCS). It was mostly details and some gripes about my new job. However, now that the month is a little further behind me, my gripes about conveyor-belt medicine and quantity of patients over quality of patient care seem ill-timed and trite. I had (and still have) every right to be pissed about that kind of health care system/work environment, but the real issue in March was my own failing health, and I was too blind to see it.

I wonder, was I so blind to my own symptoms because medical school and residency did such a fabulous job training me to ignore how I felt and keep plodding along -- always putting work first? Or was my lack of insight some sort of psychocognitive unawareness that was actually a possible sign or symptoms in itself - a result of the concussion? Maybe it was a bit of both?

By the end of March I crashed. Hard. With hindsight as it is, I can see now that I was getting worse with each week. [WARNING: explicit details ahead.] Through most of March I was kept awake once or twice a week with vomiting. Each time, my denial or lack of insight chalked it up to something I ate, a virus, or some other such excuse. In the daytime I had horrific headaches. In the evening I was dizzy and clumsy and uncoordinated. Sleep was difficult at best. Near the very end of the month I had a handful of days of outright awfulness. I had this horrible sensation similar to that one feels moments before passing out. Nothing helped. I was weak, nauseated, spinning like a top, and essentially unable to do anything. But they passed.

With the hope that the symptoms would just eventually go away, I kept driving myself to keep moving forward. A majority of the month and into April I spent my work days pushing through 9-10 hours in clinic, followed sometimes by hours of band rehearsals, board meetings, social engagements. I even managed to play in RCB's spring concert until the last two songs, when I had to bow out and lay prone on a couch in the green room.

My days off I spent nursing my symptoms with anti-nausea medications and running around from acupuncturist, to physical therapist, to craniosacral therapist, to sports medicine doctor, to massage therapist and so on and so forth.... Eventually I couldn't sustain and I crashed. My doctor was worried about my decompensation and referred me to a neurologist and I had just about everything above my shoulders imaged by MRI. I took a little more than a week off of work. Returned to a couple of half days, was doing pretty terribly (even walking short distances was hard without an arm to support me, my balance and vertigo were so bad) and ultimately the neurologist insisted on a full month off. From mid-April to mid-May: No work, no band, just rest and only doing those activities that I could tolerate without any worsening of symptoms.

This was a hard pill to swallow. I needed the income. I was planning a wedding and training a new horse! I had band and was elected to the board of directors! I was just starting my career! I couldn't just put on the brakes and stop! What if I don't get better, I kept thinking. This isn't fair, I selfishly thought. Why me, why now? Why didn't I have disability or sick leave? Why did I take so much time off and let my saving deplete so low? The injustice of paying back huge loans I had to get the education needed to do the job I was too sick to do made me furious. But the bottom line was: I was too sick to do anything, and statistics were on my side. Rest, and I should get better.

For the first week I was pretty useless, doing nearly nothing except eating, drinking, bathing, and washing dishes for short periods of time. Then it extended to laundry, short walks, relaxing social events (like Easter Egg dyeing - pictured), rides as a passenger in the car (horse therapy!), and after four weeks of solid and strict rest I started to get better. My fears and worries abated a little and I could start to see a normal life for me again in the future. I even managed a short trip to see the tulip fields in Skagit Valley (right) and got to enjoy a few hours of HonkFest West.

This leads us to May. I was still resting most the first part of the month but was a bit more functional. Instead of counting good hours, I was starting to have the occasional good day. Both Karin's mom and my mom ascended upon our humble apartment and we embarked in Momfest 2011. We each had quality time with our respective mothers and had joint planned events so the mothers, meeting for the first time, could get to know each other and have a little fun. Resting most the day, I managed a night out at our annual fundraiser, Swing Fever, earplugs in place, and paying careful attention to not overdo it. The moms really hit it off as evidenced by their dancing photo left!

After the moms departed (Karin's mom had a two weekend stay) I successfully completed my first week of half days back at work. This was immediately followed by band camp. Officially called the "RCB Retreat", it's a weekend of intensive marching and music practice, and bonding for the marching band and friends. As a non-playing member I had time to rest and recoup from my first week back at work and still have a little fun to boot (see first picture atop at the Disco Alien Ball). I even got to sing some Bangles at karaoke!

The weekend after that we flew to Michigan for a bridal shower thrown by my aunt and mom's friends. It was a lot for me and my post-concussed brain, but the event itself was short and with family around and a plethora of homecooked goodness, I could focus on stress-free R&R between the few scheduled events. It was wonderful to see my family and a few friends. I was focused so hard on being present and not overdoing it I didn't take a single photo!

This coming week I hope to extend my work hours to work about 2/3 of a day. I'll give that a few weeks and if I continue to see improvement in my PCS I'll go back to full days. I'm grateful my employer is keeping me on despite my injury and unscheduled time off - I'm not benefited and totally replaceable. Another employer may have just sent me packing and found another locums doc to fill the shoes I should have been filling.

Sunday I visited Gus. He gets to run around all day with his friends in a huge field and work on getting fat (he's still a growing boy) and he was a dream to play with - well behaved and always curious and affectionate. While doing some ground work training with him I realized I felt totally and completely me. No headache, no dizziness, just happy, and just Liz. I hope to have more feelings like that until the point where I take it for granted again... except for the part where I take it for granted.

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